Some days you just want to watch the world burn

I've been thinking a lot about inheritance and life lately. the idea that one can work hard and succeed in life is an idea that is quickly disappearing for me. and as i get older it should seem closer then ever, and yet success only seems to be getting farther and farther away. I've failed at deciding what i want to be "when i grow up", and so i work at my job, that i like, but that destroys my body, and doesn't compensate me enough and never will. i failed at my marriage. I don't know if there is anything i could have done to save it knowing now what i know, but regardless it failed. my art, which is my number one most prized thing I've done in 26 years on this planet, is good and liked by a lot of people, but may never take off since i have no way of working on it all the time.

i grew up in a poor family, i recognized that at a young age, and tried to learn to not listen when people talked about money. it was something different for those with it. to them it was a resource that could be counted on to help them. something that would always be there to help in a time of need. to me it was something to be feared and hoarded whenever possible. and for a long time in my early twenties that was the best thing for me. because while all the people my age were getting money and spending it i was scrimping, saving, and trying to create something that would help me in the long run. under the assumption that if i worked a lot and saved my money, i could one day be the "giver". i could bestow this gift to someone i cared about. but that doesn't happen. no i only got older, and expenses continued piling up. i met people i thought i cared for and let them take advantage of me until one day i woke up and realized that i had nothing left. all the time and energy put forth to save, all the suffering and doing without had come to naught. i had nothing. now as i near my thirties, in the next few years, i wonder... what should i do? should i save still? should i spend frivolously and realize that this life is fleeting and that you really can't take it with you? i don't have the answers. i never have. and so sometimes on days like this, when the weather outside makes me hate living here in bellingham, and everyone i know is talking about how they want to buy a phone that is worth more then what i have in my entire bank account, i go and write down all the hatred and bitterness that i have towards this world and it's bullshit hypocrisy. then i take that paper and i go outside in the cold and i light it on fire. And I'll watch it. I'll watch it till all remnants are charred and cindered and no warmth emanates from it. i don't know if it helps at all. but it doesn't matter. because some days you just feel like letting your hatreds burn.